Cake, Coffee and Coaching

Urgent or important?

 

I was listening to the radio when a sentence leapt out at me.

 “The important gives way to the urgent”

It’s so true. My coaching clients tell me that they feel they are always fire fighting- reacting to what comes at them rather than having space to think.

They get up intending to eat a healthy breakfast, talk calmly to their children, organise things to work smoothly at the office, get some exercise during the day and invite friends round in the evening.

The reality is that keys will have disappeared, deadlines be brought forward, inboxes and in trays will be overflowing. It will all seem so urgent. Breakfast will be eaten in the car, tempers will be frayed, exercise will be tapping the keyboard and you’re home too late to invite the friends.

When I used to run a theatre company Tim the technical stage manager of one theatre had a big notice on the door of his office “Your crisis is not my crisis” Tim was very helpful and efficient  until it was time for morning coffee, lunch or an afternoon tea break. Then no matter what terrible disaster we needed sorting, he would disappear.

The strange thing was that everything always got done anyway. The show always went up on time scenery, props, lights and sound effects working perfectly.

We’ll all die with a “to do” list. I’d rather that the things left on mine were some of those "but it's so urgent " tasks not the things that are really important to me.

 

New e magazine

 Have a look at this new site www.inspirationalmag.com

Coaching the artist.

I love my work training people to become personal or business coaches. One of the perks of the work is hearing about the successes of past students. I was particularly pleased to hear from Ruthie who was on our very first course.

Ruthie told me about 2 of her coaching clients. She wrote about A.H. whose number one goal identified in an introductory coaching session in 2009 when she joined Positiveworld Studios was to show her work in a Cambridge gallery outside of university. Months later, A.H. has enjoyed a solo show in an empty shopfront, appeared on local radio talking about her work, sold numerous paintings to new buyers, and achieved her goal of exhibiting in a leading Cambridge gallery, with publicity from The Guardian. The coaching not only helped Alice identify exactly what she wanted, but made it easier for  the studios to help her achieve that

 

Inch worm

 

The words of an old song have been in my head recently

“Inch worm, inch worm, measuring the marigolds

Why don’t you ever stop to see

How beautiful they are?”

What made me think of the song was some things a client said when I was coaching her recently.

While we were talking she mentioned several occasions when she had been comparing her efficiency at work with other people’s and worrying that she was not doing as well as them.

As we talked it became obvious that she was performing very well in a demanding, highly responsible position in her company. The problem was not that she was failing in managing her team but that she was just not noticing all the measures she had put in place to make sure that everything ran smoothly even in the highly pressurised time leading up to Christmas. She was so busy measuring herself against other people that she couldn’t see how well she was performing.

This kind of negative measuring affected another client’s social life. She had good friends and fun things to do but often got herself into a state about whether other people were having an even better time.

Marigolds- the old fashioned ones- are one of my favourite flowers- such vibrant yellows and oranges –and the snails don’t eat them! So I feel sorry for the poor old inch worm who didn’t stop to enjoy them. Thankfully my clients did open their eyes to how well they were doing!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why a cat will never need a Life Coach

If there was a prize for knowing how to live a perfect life it would certainly be won by a cat.

While we worry over decisions, agonise about what we really want, never mind how to get it, a cat is a model of focus and motivation.

A cat knows what she wants – not for her our complications and doubts.

If a cat decides that your house is better than her current home she will simply move in with you. It’s no use locking your doors and windows and putting up a “no vacancies” sign. In no time at all she will be asleep on your favourite chair and have you properly trained to pander to all her whims.

A cat will never put up with things- not for her polite acceptance of second best.

That’s why the pet food aisle at the supermarket is full of worried faces scanning the shelves for something to please madam the cat. Get it wrong and you are in for yowling accusations of starvation because she won’t eat even a mouthful of the wrong food.

A cat will not compromise. If she wants to sit on your laptop keyboard, the paper you want to read or the kitchen work surfaces nothing will stop her.

A cat doesn’t care about what others expect her to do. She will sleep all day and hunt all night. She will ignore invitations to sit on your lap until a moment before you want to go up to bed when she will settle down on you purring happily.

Watch a cat stalking a bird and you have the model of focussed motivation. She allows nothing to distract her from her goal.

A cat is never hampered by self doubt – she knows she is “worth it”

Those of us lucky enough to share our homes with a cat have a useful role model!

I’ve used “she” because I’ve lived with 2 female cats for the last 18 years. In my more limited experience of male cats they are just as clear about what they want and just as determined to get it.

 

Time for a rant

A while back when our children were small a friend and I used to take our families off on holiday together. Every time when I arrived to pick my friend's family up she would emerge from the house looking totally exhausted- as though she needed a week's sleep before setting off. I didn't need to ask why. Every year in the days before her holiday her boss would find a long list of tasks which were suddenly emergencies. She was told that if they weren't all completed before she took time off the firm would lose funding/ lose clients/ employees would lose jobs/ her position would be at stake. So of course she worked late and early and set off on holiday in a state of total exhaustion.

Now I here the same sort of thing from my coaching clients. They tell me about companies reorganising so that 2 people have to do the work which used to be carried out by 5. They talk about going on line to find literally hundreds of emails which have come in over night. They feel obliged to spend time on box ticking, useless forms and procedures.

Worst of all my clients tell me that they are scared to admit how overwhelmed they are feeling because they will be seen as failing and inadequate and will risk losing their jobs,

The technology is different but the situations remind me of what I've read about 19th Century mill owners- people who were in such a powerful position that they could bully their workers in any way that they chose.

Surely in the 21st Century we should be beyond this kind of unproductive, bullying behavior which leaves people feeling panicky and unable to work strategically.  Working like this they can only fire fight the latest crisis instead of moving the company forward.

The time my clients take out for coaching sessions gives them breathing space to prioritise , plan future projects and to celebrate what they are achieving. Through coaching they develop ways to put firm boundaries around their areas of responsibility and the hours they work. And No, they don't lose their jobs, The funny thing is that anyone who does this gets far more respect from their colleagues and managers.

Coaching saves the bride’s mother.

 

Imagine this- your lovely daughter is getting married but you are dreading the wedding because you are so worried about how your ex and his family will treat you.

That’s what happened to one of my clients. Instead of looking for THE dress and hat and getting foot sore looking for the shoes and a bag all she could think of was how she might feel humiliated or face a scene.

One of the best things about coaching is that it gives you the space- space to think and to see things more clearly, space to work out what to do and, most importantly, space to play. As children we learnt so much by playing but now we’ve grown up we’ve forgotten how experimenting and having fun can show us what to do.

Part of a coaching session is always an invitation to play. Forget reality for a few minutes. If you could do anything to sort things out what wild solutions could you find?

You don’t have to actually do any of your crazy ideas but just thinking of them will make you feel better and give you a fresh approach.

So what did the bride’s mother think of to help her to look forward to the wedding?

She thought of hiring a glamorous escort, letting down the tyres of her ex’s car so he missed the wedding, going in disguise as a mysterious stranger, hiring a comedian to protect her by turning any nasty comments into a joke against the people who made them.

The last crazy idea did inspire a sensible solution. What she needed was support from people she knew and trusted. She would invite her two closest friends to come to the wedding breakfast with her. They could watch out for any risk of unpleasantness and protect her so she could relax and enjoy herself.

From looking dejected and stressed she left smiling on her way to the shops!

No chocolate in M&S

 

A client of mine had a crisis last Saturday- her daughter in law had just given birth and she wanted to buy her some chocolates. The aisles were full of Christmas chocolates but a Christmas selection stocking wasn’t really what she had in mind for someone who had had a baby in mid October. Apparently though there wasn’t much else to choose from. After all its past the August bank holiday so what else should we be buying for except stuff for Christmas?

So it’s that time of year again when everyone is obsessed with lists and gets exhausted with having so much to do.

Wouldn’t it be lovely to look forward to all the special things about Christmas and not to have any of the stress?

 My own top tips on how to enjoy the festive season are:

1)   To write a wish list of how you would like things to be- who do you want to see/ buy presents for/ send cards to /cook for?

2)   If you are really being honest what is important to you about Christmas? Is it connecting with friends and family/ seeing other people happy/ the religious aspects/the glitz and glamour/ the food/ having a break? 

3)   What do you do only because you feel you ought to or because it’s expected of you?

4)   Imagine if you were to be really brave and started to concentrate on your wish list and what is really important to you this year what  would you do differently and what would be the positive ( and sparkly! ) results?

5)   Stop telling yourself “I can’t..” or “I’ve got to.." Try something less stressful this year. Enjoy yourself and see how that can make a happier festive season for every one. 

 

Women to write home about!

Recently I was asked to write an inspirational article for a new on line magazine.

I was amazed by the lady who has started the magazine to “give readers a positive feel in their lives ."

 Here’s her story in her own words :

 Dare to be different!

 “When I came up with my idea of starting Inspirational Magazine nothing was going to stop me. I knew I had something in me, a great passion and desire to inspire people and was not letting anything get in my way.  

What I always tell myself is because I have dreamt it, I can achieve it.

It was a challenge to start Inspirational Magazine, with a three and half year old boy on his summer holiday, a two week old baby girl and my husband.

 I got in touch with different people. Some were NO's but that didn't stop me. I had to make sure the website was top-notch because quality to me is a must. I continuously set myself challenges.

 The 1st issue came out on the 13th of October, my daughter was 9 weeks old, my son was back at school so that included the school run, and my husband had to come home to a hot cooked dinner. My family didn't suffer; I made sure I used my 24 hours in a day wisely. I made sure my kids and husband had their quality time. I let nothing stand in my way.

So often we fail to attain our true potential because we don't believe in ourselves. We tend to have so much fear that it overtakes who we are and often determines what we can or can't do.

What kept me going was the fuel of passion set within me. No matter what negative talk anyone said it did not change my dream.

I love to inspire, I live to inspire. I am working on my 2nd issue now and I am aiming higher and higher.

I have set up Positive Stamp, a non profit making organisation that aims at helping pregnant HIV women in the southern region of Africa. It supports them through pregnancy aiming to reduce, in fact prevent, HIV transmission from mother to baby.  Many babies are being infected with this disease when something can be done to prevent it so I have taken the project on to. I want to make a difference that cannot be erased.” 

Article written by: Lisa Mundembe Founder and CEO of Inspirational Magazine

 Founder of Positive Stamp (Not-for profit making organisation)

www.inspirationalmag.com

Will Shakespeare, the coach

Hurrah 2010 will be another RSC year for me. After seeing almost everything in “The Works” Festival in 2006/7 when the RSC or visiting companies performed all Shakespeare’s plays in one year I’ve stayed away from Stratford on Avon for too long. So when the priority booking forms for the next season arrived this week I quickly booked tickets for four plays.

I’ll have to wait until June 2010 to see the first two and until August 2010 for the others but at least I know that I’ve got the tickets. Sometimes when I get advance information about events I dither about whether/ when to go then I either forget to book or find the event is sold out or that I’ve already booked to do something else.

 Shakespeare has plenty to say about putting things off.  “If it were done …then ‘twere well it were done quickly” would be a good thing to remember when tempted to put things off. OK Macbeth is talking about whether to murder Duncan and seize the crown of Scotland rather than when to do his accounts but the idea of actually doing what needs to be done rather than agonising over a decision or  putting off  something disagreeable is a sensible one.  

Things put off multiply. Leave bills and letters to deal with later and they breed faster than rabbits. The in tray is soon spilling over the desk and then everything in it needs to be sorted into categories before it can be filed whereas each piece of paper could have been acted on and filed before it had the chance to multiply or get lost.

Decisions left unmade bug us stealing energy and sleep. It usually takes more effort to worry or feel guilty about what we haven’t done than to get organised and do it.

 Something I’ve found helpful is to set up a power call. You phone someone just to say what the 2 of you agree to do in the next hour. Knowing that you are going to phone each other back at the end of the hour to report what you’ve done can be very motivating.

www.43things.com  and Mark Forster’s book “How to Get Everything Done and Still Have Time to Play” could also be helpful.

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